Breastfeeding

AKA

~When BF no longer means best friend nor a boyfriend~

Hello dear readers, it's been a minute, I hope you'll forgive me. Let me start with a little window of excuses:) First of all, the weather has been quite nice. I almost forgot how much it affects my mood. So, I've been going out a lot. I absolutely love it! I'm such a city girl, although the romantic idea of being a cottage core girl is nice. I don't think that I could do it just yet. Maybe when my kids are a little older. Even now with Noelani, I just love spending my time in coffee shops and strolling around the city. She's such an extrovert already. Meeting all my friends. It's absolutely adorable.

Secondly, Noelka needs a little more attention now. She'a a full blown human being already and it is so adorable. I've also been knitting lately. It's fun and also cheaper than buying knitted clothes, but it takes long and makes me feel like a grandma. I don't necessarily mind that.

Okay, I guess that's out of my system now. Let's dive into the topic. I realize my views and experiences might change when I'm weaning or maybe when she start's growing teeth, but I find breastfeeding a big topic of not only my motherhood but motherhood in general. I went into postpartum slightly educated on a few feeding options. There were exclusively bf-ing mothers, exclusively pumping mums, formula feeding mums and then mixes of these three. I never really had an opinion on it. I just always thought the most important factor is the happiness of your child, or how full they are. You'd be surprised how many people, and mostly women, don't think the same way and get super judgy and confrontational if breastfeeding isn't the only source of nutrition for your little one. It is crucial for a child to be fed and the means to that can be different for everyone. I was never bashing any of those options. I knew my mum had problems breastfeeding me so I never clung to the idea of exclusively breastfeeding. I was very nonchalant when it came to it. Obviously I heard about the benefits of breastfeeding, but they never outweighed any harm that it can do. When I was close to my due date, my trusted tiktok started showing me this girl who talked about exclusively pumping. That was new to me so I looked into it a little more and I liked it. It seemed freeing. The child would have my milk but I'll also be able to have some time away from her. There was a little inconvenience factor, but obviously you need to weigh your options and consider all the pros and cons. At the end of the day it was all hypothetical since you never know how your journey will be until you're on it.

I knew breastfeeding could be hard but no-one prepared me for what was coming. Everything I was hearing was how beautiful it is. How magical. How bonding. The only fear I had was that I wouldn't have enough milk. I soon found out that was not going to be a problem. I think it was the second or third day in the hospital when my milk came in. I looked like I just had a breast surgery. They were huge and so high, but mostly painful. I didn't know what to do, I was very irritable and it seemed like out of all the people in this whole hospital only my mum could help me. So I spent my time massaging my breasts in the shower under hot running water - if you started to paint even slightly erotic picture just imagine the bleeding and still stretched out belly from birth ~you're welcome~ and hoping It would soon get better. It was horrifying. The worst part was that the only information I was told was the fact that if I don't somehow solve this, I risk mastitis. Very reassuring. I was given oxytocin drops to help me ease the flow and it thankfully helped. However, solving this problem wasn't the end of it. Not by a long shot. Noelka's jaundice numbers were rising and to decrease them she had to eat and empty a lot. The problem was she was sleeping a lot as well and it was really hard to wake her up. We also weren't sure she ate enough so I had to start pumping so that we would know she was getting enough milk. Pumping was easier. I had some control over it and it didn't hurt as much, but for the supply and also clogged ducts it is better to breastfeed. I had to try both because we needed to be sure she could latch. We introduced a bottle there in the hospital.

After we came home she had a problem latching so I started wearing these shields - I'm not sure how its called - so that she could latch more easily. And thats when the nipples started hurting. It was all very uncomfortable. I was still pumping which some family members disagreed with, but thanks to that I still have a freezer stash which I'm super thankful for. The feeding was long. First month or so she fed for 20 minutes on each boob making it 40 in total. I felt like a cow. Like a feeding machine. I was able to stop using the shield on one side, but then we had an incident where she spit up blood and I had to continue using them. My nipples were so sore it hurt every single time I fed. My first goal was to keep going until her vaccine, but at 6 weeks we discovered she had a thrush. That made it harder for her to feed. At this time I wasn't using the shields anymore. This was the worst time for me. It was torture putting her on the boob. It hurt so bad, but I was mostly scared. I cried so much every time she had to latch. I talked to the first lactation specialist and she gave me some advice which didn't really help. That was when I decided to shorten my breastfeeding goal from 3 to 2 months of age. Since I had a lot of milk I couldn't just switch to formula. I would have to gradually stop. Even pumping hurt. So I persevered. I contacted another lactation consultant and she helped me. She was very nice. After a week or so the pain got manageable. I didn't cry anymore. It got better.

I am beyond thankful it did. Remembering it and thinking about the start of this journey is nauseating. I am so proud of myself. I mostly exclusively breastfeed now. She is over 4 months old. Will soon have her 2nd dose of vaccines. I did it and I love myself for it. But I would never judge a woman who decided to stop where I decided to persevere. It is hard. Very hard. No woman is less of a mother only because she stopped. Not even if she decided to not even start. As long as the baby is fed all is well. And I'll be honest with you, breastfeeding isn't the most bonding experience of all. I bond with my girlie when I read to her or when we cuddle in my bed right after she wakes up. Sure, its nice but I feel like it would be the same if I fed her from a bottle.

So if by any chance you're reading this blog and are expecting or maybe are expecting to be expecting:) any time in the future, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Love your child. And love yourself. I am grateful my baby is happy and well fed. And know damn well that the second time around I'll be even more chill about all of this.

Enjoy today! I'm going for a walk and a cup of coffee with my bestie Noelka. Also, I wholeheartedly believe that bf will mean best-friend again. Very soon.

Kika x