My birth story

TW: It's a birth story, if you have a weaker stomach, I advise you not to read it

I have come to a conclusion that it is time to tell my birth story. Mainly because I will probably forget it very soon. Obviously you would get a much different description from my boyfriend who was there the whole time and probably did not develop a filter over the whole experience. His point of view would be much more descriptive, however I wish to tell you how it all felt to me.

Let's quickly start off topic. I must admit I was a little hesitant to write about this. Maybe to even write about anything this personal. This blog was created as my safe space and as a safe space for other people who find themselves in similar situations and I feel like it was abused a little. There has been an article written about me - in a very unpopular media which no-one reads but still - and one of my blog posts was used. I didn't like it because it wasn't depicting the whole point. It was very rude in my opinion, but I've kind of realised that people are quite rude. Sometimes I am as well, note to myself, I should really work on that. It's not fair to ruin this space for me so I'm not gonna let it. And I would also like to kindly ask anyone who wants to quote my work to contact me beforehand and ask for permission. Even though this is a public website it's a simple courtesy in my opinion.

I'm glad I waited with my birth story. It gave me more clarity on this whole situation and I'm able to see some things differently. The moment I birthed Noelani I called my birth an amazing experience, and even though I still consider it a positive birth story, I would definitely like to change some aspects of it the next time I go through this. With that in mind it was still great as far as labour goes. After all, it gave me my daughter, the nicest gift ever:)

Okay, there's no point of prolonging it now, so let's go. Throughout my whole pregnancy I was afraid I wouldn't know when my labour starts and when to go to the hospital. All the women in my yoga class told me I'll definitely know. Let me just tell you, I didn't. I truly had no idea if what I was experiencing was labour or not. Almost every sensation experienced during pregnancy is new and unknown so to tell someone pregnant that they will know is BS. Obviously now that I experienced it I would probably have a better idea, but as a 1st time mum you just guess. So I did. Thus, I arrived at the hospital too early. Once the doctors send you home, you really WAIT until you leave home again. So the second time when my contractions started in the morning I waited until 7 pm to finally decide it was time to go. And even then I was so sure I'm not staying and that it was a false alarm. I arrived at 7:30 pm exactly on my due date and not only was I not going home anymore but I would also soon enter the 1st stage of active labour.

~Unlike her parents, this girl was very punctual.~

I was dilated too much for them to send me home and rest, but too little to be admitted into the delivery room so I was sent to a room upstairs where I would go again after birth. I don't think I'm going to be super specific. At least not the way I told some of my friends, but let me tell you my main takeaways. Around 9pm I ate a hot wing and a corn on the cob from KFC, yes I was very hungry at that point...I asked for some pain relief around eleven to help me sleep, but when the doc checked me he finally said I'm in active labour. Since I got to the delivery room I only remember certain checkpoints. I remember how hard it got to manage my contractions. My partner-Timur was there the whole time. I don't know what I would do without him in there. He held me while I breathed through each new wave. My water never broke on its own, they had to do it for me and to be quite frank with you I don't know if it was before or after the epidural - a big checkpoint and time divider for me. I think it was around 2 in the morning and I was about 5 cm when they gave me the already mentioned epidural. The anaesthesiologists were amazing. The kindest women on earth it seemed at the moment. That was the only time Timur wasn't there. They sent him away, saying men can't really stomach it and his face expressions might scare me. And then ... pure bliss. The moment my epidural kicked in all was good. I could move but didn't feel any pain. I finally got some sleep in, after the whole day. I will admit, I have some back pains now, but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I imagine having those contractions for 5 more hours I definitely know a little back pain is worth it. It was great and I highly recommend it to anyone who is about to give birth and is able to get it. Also, don't be afraid of the pain. It really isn't all that bad.

At some point, maybe around 5am my mother came. It made me really angry at the moment. I didn't want her there, it was an intimate moment and she came without asking. I understand she was scared, but she should have respected the fact that it was supposed to be me and my boyfriend. Timur sent her away after some time. I think she came back later when Noeli was born but that was very brief. Again, Timko kicked her out. That was our time. I got another dose of epidural and soon after that it was time to push. I guess contractions were worse than pushing. It only took about five minutes. Very excruciating 5 minutes. At this point it was after 6 in the morning. They gave me oxytocin, which I don't remember giving them consent for. This is something I realise now, 3 months after her birth. It was to prolong my contraction to push her out sooner. It succeeded at that. I birthed her in that one contraction. No time to rest, to really take a breath correctly. I felt like everything in me was tearing. I was so sure I wasn't able to do it. I wanted so bad for them to somehow take her out. But it was all my responsibility. I don't remember much from this. I don't know who stood where and what they were doing. I was screaming. And then, she was born. Noelani Julie Kramár. 6:59. The most precious angel. I don't know if I cried. Timur says I did. I didn't fall in love with her in that moment. That happened later, but I was relieved and all bad was forgotten. I don't remember birthing the placenta and I didn't feel the stitches. It was all okay then. She cried. She was so beautiful.

~I jokingly asked my midwife if they secretely did a cesarian because she was so perfect.~

I did need stitches but I only had a 1st degree tear. Again, now after 3 months, I found out the doc gave me an extra stitch... But that one's for a different time. After the birth what I would call a great birth, came bonding. It was supposed to be magical, however I started to feel nauseous. I don't know if it was all the pain relief or other drugs or the tiredness or maybe the KFC but after all this I puked and puked and my bonding experience was taken away from me. It's okay, she was given to her daddy and I enjoy her plenty now:)

~To a certain extent ,it shows us that all the challenges we go through lead to something beautiful.~

I think that the birth of my daughter will forever be the hardest thing I've done, but it gave me this perfect human. I couldn't be happier. It wasn't perfect, but right after, it felt like it was and that's all I could ask for. I didn't have any complications, at least not yet and the whole team did a great job. I am lucky my partner was there and after all that I was even happy that my mum was there. I'm very thankful we're okay. It was wild but I did it. If you want to know more just ask me, but for now I'm content with this.

PS: I got the most amazing push present - a painting from Werner Bronkhorst.

Kika x