Trying to find myself

~Twenties are hard - coming from a twentytwo year old~

I've always thought 20s are supposed to be the best time of your life. You are finally independent, have a sense of freedom, still very young so you can make mistakes and also full of energy and enthusiasm for what is about to come. Man was I wrong. Not too long ago, I found a TikTok video (I do consider TikTok a big source of information which admittedly is not the best, but whatever) stating that your life actually starts at 25 because till then you don't really have a sense of self and so on. I think I agree with it, because I do feel like I haven't really started living yet.

Maybe when I reach thirty I will look back on this decade and think to myself how great it was, but at the moment I am super afraid of it. I know I just entered into my twenties, but so far I don't really consider it to be the best time of my life. 22 was a very shattering B-day for me. I think I finally realised I'm an adult now. And that is quite stressful.

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I decided to write this post as an entrance into all my other ones. A way to get to know me or to tune into my mind a little, before I share all the experiences and feelings of my past, present and future self. Let me tell you, it's really complicated. Writing about something you haven't figured out yourself is super challenging. My thoughts behind it are, that whoever is experiencing something even remotely similar will get it and maybe you will even feel heard. Which is probably what I need most. I know so many people are experiencing sort of an existential crisis at the moment, but at the same time I don't really feel like I can relate to any of it.

The thing is, I can't even explain myself to my boyfriend, who I must say, knows me the best. I don't know what my purpose in life is. I don't know which career path to choose. I don't know how to relate to most of the people. I don't even know what it is I like to do or what I'm good at. And this all comes down to this one feeling. I don't know who I am. I don't have a sense of self. I am very different with different people and situations. I can't really tell if I'm an introvert or an extrovert.

It all stresses me out too much and leaves me with a mind so full of chaos. There are so many things I would like to do, however I don't even know if I would be good at them. I would like to study fashion for example, but am I creative enough to then pursue a career in it? I'm so interested in education, but am I patient enough to teach full class of small kids? My dad wants me to follow his footsteps and he puts so much trust into me, but I have no confidence when it comes to it. I don't really feel like I could be respected. Maybe I don't even respect myself fully.

I don't like shallow interactions and encounters because they make me feel super awkward but at the same time I don't always care enough to deepen my relationships. I do feel like a mess and I don't know if that's okay. I don't know if I'm just too lazy to try and figure myself out or if this even is a valid feeling.

I really want to be happy in my life but I don't know how to achieve this state of complete happiness and content. I sometimes think I would like to be a stay at home mum, but then I feel like I haven't fulfilled my potential if there even is one. I don't want to let down my parents or my boyfriend but most of all I don't want to let Noelani down and maybe down the road even my other kids. I don't want them to think I'm lazy and that I've done nothing with my life. We are so lucky to have this endless sea of options and I wake up feeling like I'm wasting all of them just because I like my life how it is. I like the comfort of it. Yet I don't feel fulfilled.

I think I haven't really chosen anything in my current life. Things just happen to me. And I'm not saying they are bad or that I don't like my life just how it is. I just think I'm too lost and what if one day it all stops happening around me and for me, and I will have the duty to actually choose something for myself and I will fail. How to be in control and happy and content and proud of yourself?

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That is my thought process and it is so chaotic and I know it seems like I'm unhappy, but really I am not. There are days I consider myself the happiest and luckiest person alive. Especially thanks to Noelka, because that type of love and devotion is unmatched, but I'm also very lost in ME. Maybe, as always, it will figure itself out. Anyway, my biggest priority right now is her. My daughter. Being the best mom to her there can be. And I even believe it will reveal who I really am. My truest and most honest self.

I apologise for not really resolving it all and giving you some sort of conclusion. But it is my life I'm talking about and it's not even nearing to an end. So who knows what I'll become. The crisis remains. I was just trying to explain I'm a mess and laying it all out there. If you do have tips for me, please, share them. I hope we figure it out.

Kika x